While you are certainly too ugly for some, that doesn't stop you from being too stupid for others. Hypotheses of this nature pick out some standard of desirability "women should be thin" and propose that the other person does not think that we meet it. Sometimes, says Comrie, the standards are quite general: "It's just me as a whole. Nobody likes me; nobody seems to get me.
Whatever explanation you settle on for why they don't like you, you're probably wrong. Comrie says that height, weight, income and the like explain some rejections, but not nearly as many as people think. Her patients "have ghosted people because their ex came back into the picture and they didn't know how to deal with it; because they lost their job and felt like a loser and were too embarrassed to admit it; and because they got medical diagnoses and the relationship was too new for them to feel comfortable sharing it.
In Comrie's long clinical experience, the real reasons that people reject others usually don't reflect anything important about the person being rejected. It really is about them. Where do all our wrong and poorly evidenced rejection theories come from? According to Comrie, your thoughts about why people reject you say more about your own insecurities than anything else. Often the meaning we assign to rejection hurts more than the fact of rejection itself. The other person has seen something in us that makes us unlovable, which is why it can sting even to be rejected by a person who, all things considered, we don't like very much.
It awakens our personal doubts about the ways we may be falling short in the eyes of others. Uncertainty about why we've been rejected puts these thoughts in an echo chamber, and the blanks left by vague non-answers and evasions are Mad Libs for your self-loathing imagination. When it comes to why you feel bad, it's not them, it's you ruminating on all the things that you think make you rejectable. People often try to argue, explain, or beg their way into a second chance.
Don't do this. First, it's not going to work. Comrie says that even if the person accepts your explanation when you make it, they'll be looking for another reason to drop you almost immediately. Second, even if it does work, then you could wind up in an awkward relationship dynamic: you're in it because you don't want to face your insecurities; they're in it because they lost an argument. You'd both be much better off in something where both parties are there because they actually want to be.
Third, whatever insecurity you're trying to avoid facing, it's probably not about that. Remember, the other person is probably thinking mostly about themself, just like you are.
So just accept that they don't want to be with you as gracefully as you can manage. At HorizonOne, we take all new candidates through a series of questions, which allows us to get to know them and provide immediate feedback. This proves to be very valuable, because it gives our candidates a boost of confidence before any interviews.
This could mean applying for a lower level or evaluating your salary expectations. It takes time to build a career, and sometimes we need to take a small step backwards if it means the next step is forwards. Explain it in your cover letter or CV, and be prepared to answer the question in an interview.
Being overqualified is usually not a problem, if the potential employer can understand why you want the role. Dishonesty is a big turn off for any employer, and being cagey about any question in an interview is guaranteed to raise red flags. Unfortunately, the greatest damage rejection causes is usually self-inflicted.
Indeed, our natural response to being dumped by a dating partner or getting picked last for a team is not just to lick our wounds but to become intensely self-critical.
We call ourselves names, lament our shortcomings, and feel disgusted with ourselves. In other words, just when our self-esteem is hurting most, we go and damage it even further. Doing so is emotionally unhealthy and psychologically self-destructive yet every single one of us has done it at one time or another. The good news is there are better and healthier ways to respond to rejection, things we can do to curb the unhealthy responses, soothe our emotional pain and rebuild our self-esteem.
Here are just some of them:. By all means, review what happened and consider what you should do differently in the future but there is absolutely no good reason to be punitive and self-critical while doing so. The best way to boost feelings of self-worth after a rejection is to affirm aspects of yourself you know are valuable.
Make a list of five qualities you have that are important or meaningful — things that make you a good relationship prospect e. Applying emotional first aid in this way will boost your self-esteem, reduce your emotional pain and build your confidence going forward. As social animals, we need to feel wanted and valued by the various social groups with which we are affiliated.
Rejection destabilizes our need to belong , leaving us feeling unsettled and socially untethered. If your kid gets rejected by a friend, make a plan for them to meet a different friend instead and as soon as possible.
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